Responsibility lays heavy on my heart. God's justice is waiting to roll like a river through my life and the self gets in the way. I am wearing blinders on my heart, shielding me from the tremendous love that can pour through me to the people. I wonder what it is that I fear, what do I have to loose?
To take a break from my verbose ramblings, I'll say what it is in concrete terms. A few things are keeping me from dropping all that I have and giving my life fully to God for God's purpose. In order of importance, here is my confession:
1. Bicycles. As silly as it sounds, bicycles have been an important part of my life for over 15 years. I have built a lifestyle and a self-image that defines me as a cyclist. I anticipate difficulty and pain in the possibility of separating myself from this. There are a few places where we can go that I can bring a bike and use that passion, but there are also places we could be sent that would be a bad idea. For example, rolling through Joburg on my blingin $2000 bike would be A) difficult as there are few recreational riding spots and scary roads and, B) a great way to get myself shot in the head. People are armed and steal stuff in third world countries. Hell, people will shoot you for your bike if you're in the wrong place and the wrong time in San Antonio! But nothing looks more like a target on your back than being a white guy on a nice bike in a African city.
I have tried to convince myself that my passion for bikes is a gift that I can use for the Kingdom. Bicycling brings people together socially. A working bike (I am a bicycle mechanic as well) is a means of liberation for people who need to get to work several miles away. Bicycles are good for the environment (compared to cars, at least), something that is also important to me. Bicycles are fun and healthy. But looking back on my years of obsession with pedal-powered vehicles, I find that I have done very little deliberately for the Kingdom with my bike. I have been put in situations where I can form relationships that glorify God, and God will do all that God wants to with those situations, but my efforts have been pretty flimsy.
Bicycles for me are mostly about me. The most I can ask for right now is the tranquility to let go of this aspect of my life if it is asked of me. If God sees it fit that I be placed in a situation where I can make and occupation of serving the Kingdom with bicycles as a vehicle, I will humbly accept that this is a gift from God. I remember that the Lord gives and takes away. He could take away my bike, my ability to ride, my body, someone I love, or all that I have and hold dear at any moment and I would thank God for the gift of simplicity that it would bring.
2. Vegetarianism. For reasons that I will not explain in too much detail here, I have chosen a strict vegetarian lifestyle and I have held onto that for nearly ten years now. It is out of my yearning for God's justice on the Earth and love for creation and all the creatures that I have withheld my support from the industries that enslave animals for their edible and wear-able byproducts. I feel that these industries generally waste incredible amounts of land, food, water, and beauty at the cost of immeasurable suffering of animals and God's green Earth in general. I know full well that, to many cultures, my choices will seem like a bourgeois cop-out on my part from participating fully in their culture. It could shut the doors of communication and make my work difficult or impossible.
However, vegetarianism for me is sometimes a witness to my faith. Again, I often waste the opportunities that I might have to tell people about my desire to be a part of God's reconciling work with creation and instead appeal to secular environmentalism instead. My reluctance to give up this part of myself is two-fold: A) I truly believe that vegetarianism is a good way for me to continuing living and that it glorifies God and leaving it would be somehow dishonorable, and B) I do not wish to change my lifestyle as it would inconvenience me to adapt to eating dairy, eggs, and especially meat. After a a few months, let along a decade, of not eating these things, my body will feel quite a shock as it tries to cope with digesting such strange things. I don't know how long or difficult this would be, but I know it will be unpleasant. The first reason is, I feel, noble. The latter is admittedly selfish.
3. Leaving behind stuff, friends, pets. Two years ago, Kelly and I experienced the traumatic loss of a pet. I still bear the burden of a sense of responsibility for this, although I know rationally that it was not my fault. I do not want to burden anyone with my animals (a dog and a cat), and I do not want a repeat of what happened in 2007.
Then there is all our stuff. I would like to do the financially responsible thing and sell all that we have so that we can put the money toward our mission work. I have learned that selling your old used stuff is a lot of WORK. We could also just give it away, which will happen eventually, but I would rather find places that need our "stuff." Again, the notion of selling or giving away my bikes (I have two) is daunting. I have put a lot of time and effort into building up my bicycles just the way I like them and it pains me to let go of something that took so much passion to create.
I do not want to half-ass my service to God. I want to continue to learn and grow close to God in my will and my actions. I want to live in such a way that negates the systems of domination that are responsible for the murder of our Lord. I want to turn the world upside-down.
That is it for now. I can probably think of other things that get in the way, but I should not dwell on that. If you want to help unburden me from all my junk, please let me know. I want to be liberated from it and leave these items and concerns with someone who will be comforted by them and use them for God's glory.
-Jonathan
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